Recovery

I clearly remember the first time I was conscious of being "that guy".  Dad and I were having lunch not too long after Tyler died.  A person that I hadn't seen in a long time came up to me and told me how sorry they were. It wasn't a big deal, but I felt like the only reason they came over was because Tyler had died.  Later on, in different settings, I would feel the looks and the stares and I absolutely knew that the attention was solely due to Tyler's death.  For a while I was "that guy" and I didn't like it. 

I thought about being "that guy" not too long ago and it made me consider how long I want to keep posting to this blog.  I have bared my soul and truthfully shared my experiences in an effort to honor Tyler, heal myself, and hopefully help someone else.  But there is a danger here of becoming "that guy" again.  Cheryl and I told each other early on after Tyler's death that his passing would always be a huge part of our lives, but it would not define our identity.  We would not let our identity evolve into suicide survivors.  So this may be my last post for a while.  Not saying I will never post again, but for the forseeable future I think I am finished.  So one last post.

Recovery. The word implies something that starts and finishes.  If you have recovered from illness or surgery then the damage has been repaired and you are good as new.  Recovery from Tyler's death will never be finished.  I realize that the bad times may be further apart, but there will always be a sad time coming.  You never know when the tears are going to come, you just know they will.  That pain is always going to be there, thankfully muted more often than not, but you never know when a reggae song, a picture, a dream of Tyler, a high school football player wearing 66, a grey dodge truck passing you on the highway, or anything else Tyler related is going to cause that grief to churn your gut and moisten your eyes.

My recovery started in fits and starts.  The days and weeks immediately following Tyler's death were a fog.  My brain felt like I had a severe concussion.  I found myself mentally unable to perform simple tasks.  I constantly forgot things.  I felt like just getting out of bed each day and making coffee was an achievement. 

Gradually that fog lifted and my brain felt like it was trying to normalize.  About that time, we started two forms of counseling.  Cheryl, Courtney, Cheryl's parents, and I attended a program called Grief Share.  It was ok and it did help, a little.  But I missed much of the program due to football officiating commitments.  And I felt like my grief was so much different than the older adults who had lost loved ones they had been married to for decades after a long illness.  Loss is loss and grief is grief, but mine just felt so much worse.  Not fair I know, but it was how I felt and it impaired my ability to benefit from the groups. 

Cheryl and I also started seeing a counselor once a week.  The counselor was fine, but I quickly realized I could sidetrack the sessions and take them down bunny trails that allowed me to avoid the hard discussions.  I wasn't really ready to do the heavy therapy lifting. 

Then in February, 2012 I enrolled in group therapy called Suicide Survivors. Suicide Survivors consists of 8 weekly sessions in a group setting.  Cheryl had attended the previous fall and suggested that I participate.  Couples and individuals can attend and everyone that attends has recently lost a loved one to suicide.  A professional facilitator moderates the groups and a suicide survivor who has participated in a group before also helps facilitate.   I can't describe how much these sessions helped.  Everyone in the group understood what I was going through.  There was no need to explain  my anger, my guilt, my regrets, my shame to the group - they had experienced it all.

I won't go through the details of the sessions, but suffice it to say that from an emotional perspective, they were the hardest things I had ever done.  I cried literal rivers of tears.  I shared things that I never would have shared with strangers.  I talked about my feelings.  I confronted things that needed to be confronted.  I learned that Tyler's choice was his and his alone and that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't blame myself for his death.  That's a lesson I have to revisit periodically, but I know it's true.

Those Suicide Survivor sessions were painful, but after the first one, I kind of looked forward to them.  I knew it was going to hurt, but I knew it was going to help.  Those sessions helped because I finally committed to working on myself no matter how hard it was and no matter how much it hurt. 

That's the thought I want to leave everyone with, especially my guy friends.  There's no shame in working on your emotional, sensitive side.  There's no shame in crying.  There's no shame in opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I know that now, but I still have to force myself to share with those I love.  For a guy who was raised in the 60's and 70's it is always going to be an uphill battle to be willing to share.

Loss and grief will happen to all of us eventually.  It's just a matter of time.  When it does, do whatever it take to work through it.

Mirror, mirror

Tyler loved quotes.  I didn't really know this until the weekend before he died.  I had gone to College Station with Charles Saker to work a football tournament.  We spent the night at Tyler's apartment.  It was a fun night.  Charles got to know Tyler a little bit.  Charles ended up preaching Tyler's funeral about a week later and that was just another way of seeing that God works in your life in different ways without you even knowing it, but that's a subject for another post on another day.

That weekend I showered in Tyler's bathroom and the first thing I noticed were the quotes written all over his mirror with a dry erase marker.  They were interesting; things like "let the life you lead be all you need" and "I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I've lived the length of it.  I want to live the width of it as well."  I didn't take the quotes too seriously and didn't give that much thought to them.  I even added my own quote "honor they father and mother" which I thought was really amusing.

Fast forward about nine months.  Since Tyler was an active student at Texas A&M his name was to be called at the ceremony in College Station the April 20th after he died.  For those Aggies whose names are read at Muster in College Station, the family is given the opportunity to create a display on a table in the Memorial Student Center that honors their loved one.   It was incredibly difficult to be given a display table measuring roughly 8'X4' and try to present everything that was unique, special, and important about Tyler - really an impossble task.   But we did the best we could. 

Tyler's display included his super hero quilt his mother had made for him, his collection of hats, his "mac daddy" laptop with his music playing on it, pictures, t-shirts, a football and other items. It also included a large mirror with many of Tyler's favorite quotes on it.  I remember writing the quotes on the mirror in preparation for Muster and thinking how cool it was to write quotes like these on a mirror.  It allowed Tyler to see himself as he currently was and also see the thing's that he wanted to be; the person he strove to become.  And in hindsight, it clearly demonstrated to me what a deep and spiritual person Tyler was behind the laughing, clowning persona that he usually showed the world. 

My favorite quote on the Muster mirror was one from Tyler.  His girlfriend had quoted it at Tyler's funeral service - "We measure how good a life we have by how much love we bring into this world."  I love this quote for so many reasons.  It clearly states a belief that our life isn't just a random collection of actions and thoughts.  We should evaluate our lives against a meaningful measuring stick.  Tyler's was love. 

I think a lot about Tyler's quote.  I don't know exactly with 100% certainty what he meant by it.   I think I know where he was headed.  Your actions and the love you demonstrate for others mean something after they happen, they mean something in the present, and they carry forward to the future.  Sort  of a Cloud Atlas kind of thing (which Tyler would have loved).

We brought the mirror back from Muster and it sat in Tyler's room propped up against a wall.   Occasionally I would go into Tyler's room and see the quotes and read each of them.  It was a nice way to remember some of what was important to Tyler and the quotes on the mirror represented excellent goals to strive for.

When Courtney moved out to her new house last weekend she needed a mirror and she took the Muster mirror with her.  I really didn't give it much thought as I packed it into the truck and carried it to her new home.  Courtney and Cheryl were putting her room in order Sunday afternoon and I was sitting in the living room trying to avoid being put to work.  Cheryl called out for me and I walked back to Courtney's bedroom.  The mirror was sitting on the floor and neither Courtney nor Cheryl could get the quotes to come off.  So I was enlisted to scrub.  At first I was a little aggravated.  Here was one more way that Tyler and his memories were literally being erased.  I didn't want to upset anyone so I just scrubbed away, eventually using rubbing alcohol to completely clean the mirror.  

After the mirror was cleaned and hung on the wall I sat on the couch in Courtney's new house and had a small epiphany.  Tangible things that pertain to Tyler, thing's that he touched, wore, owned, or created won't last.  They don't bring him back to life and they don't keep his memory alive.  Tyler's memory and the impact he had on our lives will stay with us forever regardless of what tangible mementos of his life exist.  He brought so much love into this world in so many ways and I know all that love continues to impact not only Tyler's friends, loved ones, and family but other's outside those circles in ways we will never understand. 

"Sonmi-451: Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. "  Cloud Atlas

God nods

Coincidences - a striking occurrence of two or more event at one time, apparently by chance.  We all experience them.  We often think of them as little twists of fate.  Recently I heard them described as a wink from God.  Never really paid much attention to coincidences; they were just interesting events that were quickly forgotten.

After Tyler died, Cheryl, Courtney, and I almost immediately took steps to help make sense of what we could not comprehend.  Joint and individual visits to therapists and counselors.  Continuous soul searching.  Visits and discussions with others who had experienced the loss of a loved one by suicide.  And books.  We all read books about suicide, about death, and about heaven.

One book titled "Have Heart" by Steve Berger was especially impactful.  The author eloquently describes the death of his teenage son and the impact that event had on his family's life and their relationship with God.   Powerful stuff and highly recommended for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one. 

One of the ideas voiced by Steve was a God nod.  In his words "A God Nod is affirmation and direction. It's God affirming that you are on His radar and have not been forgotten. It is God directing you to pay attention and look deeper. it is god saying, "check this out." With that being said, be on the lookout for God Nods. They'll be happening when you least expect them. They bring healing. Don't miss them."

Our family has been fortunate and blessed to experience God nods. The first occurred at Tyler's graveside service and has continued ever since then.  Tyler was buried in a family cemetery about two hours northwest of Fort Worth.  The cemetery is beautiful.  It is situated on a hill with lots of old oaks and cedars.  The graves date back to the late 1800's.  There is no traffic noise and nothing to keep you company out there but the sound of the wind and the thoughts in your head. The day of  the service Courtney noticed a hawk in a tree close to Tyler's grave.  The hawk was there when she walked over to Tyler's grave to leave a rose.  And it stayed there while she stood there, only leaving when Courtney walked away. 

A few days later Courtney shared with us what she had seen and how she believed that the hawk was a God nod.  Subsequently unusual hawk sightings became common place for us.  I played golf on my first birthday after Tyler's death and the same hawk followed our group for the first 6 holes of the round, landing in a tree adjacent to each hole we played.  Tyler's grandparents saw an enormous hawk in their back yard that they had not seen in over 30 years of living at that house.  We see hawks in odd places that you wouldn't expect to see them.  The hawk sighting has become for us a frequent reminder of Tyler.

Shortly after Tyler died, we took an RV trip to South Dakota.  We felt the need to leave town and just work through things together as a family in a different setting.  It was a long trip to South Dakota, over 20 hours of driving through the furnace that was Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas in the summer of 2011. 

Tyler's dog Chrissy accompanied us on the trip.  Chrissy is notoriously shy around other dogs and people that aren't her humans.  She usually won't let strangers pet her, preferring to hide behind our legs.  Chrissy also has enormous ears, more like a rabbit than a dog.  When we finally made it to the campground in South Dakota,and got the camper set up, everyone was ready to stretch their legs.  Walking through the campground we found a 4 foot wooden carving of a rabbit.  We each had the same thought - let's pose our dog with rabbit ears in front of the rabbit.  So we got her set up and posed and snapped a few pics and giggled a little.  Then we notice a mom and boy about 7 walking up the road towards us.  Cute little boy, long and gangly like Tyler at that age.  The boy without saying a word walks over to Chrissy and she just sits there and let's him love on her.  It was crazy.  Even crazier was hearing the mom (who had walked behind us) say "come on Tyler, it's time to go."

Muster for Aggies is one of their most important traditions.  Tyler was celebrated at Muster in College Station in April of 2012.  It was a tremendously moving experience.  It was also draining emotionally.  The next morning after Muster I was asleep in the hotel room.  It was around 6 a.m. and the girls were still asleep and I dozed off and on.  At one point while I was awake, I began to think of Tyler and I said to myself "How sad it is that a life as beautiful as Tyler's had to end so soon".  And immediately I heard Tyler's voice in my head say "Daddy, I'm ok". 

We have experienced other God nods.  We count them as blessings and we believe that they are more than coincidences, more than chance occurrences.  We know that these experiences are just one way that God reveals his nature to us and affirms the existence of a heaven where we will be reunited with loved ones. 

 

Anniversaries

Tyler passed away two years ago today.   Two years ago, July 15th was just another date on the calendar with no real significance.  Now it is a day to be dreaded and it weighs heavily on our family's psyche and emotions as it approaches.

So today, much as I did at Tyler's funeral, I would like to at least try to celebrate Tyler's life instead of mourning his passing.  These words are not new.  I spoke them at Tyler's funeral.  They were the best I could do then, and I think they still capture some small essence of the bright and shining shooting star that he was.

"The words I am about to read are from Cheryl and me together.  We we were with him when he came into this world and we were with him when he left it - in the same position, being rocked in Cheryl's arms. 

Thank you all for coming to celebrate Tyler's life today.  Please know that Tyler was happy until the day he died.  I was fortunate enough to have spent much of the last two days with him and he was the same old Tyler, talking about everything he was up to and looking forward to all the things he was going to do y in the future - going to Vegas on our father/son trip, seeing Blink 182 in concert, watching the Aggies play football, living  in his new digs with Cade and walking to school from there, he was excited about life and what God had in store for him.  

I hope that we can think about all of the joy he brought into our lives in 20 short years and focus on that as we work through this.  Cheryl says that Tyler was a shooting star, an amazing sight, something that is so enjoyable to behold, but then gone in an instant  I choose today to rejoice about the life my son lived and to rejoice knowing that he is in heaven and I will see him again one day.  Tyler is my son, Tyleru.  is my buddy, Tyler is a role model for me regardless of how backwards that may sound, Tyler was one of my best friends, Tyler made me angry at times like all sons do but we always made up and we were always able to set things right.  Tyler was the best son a father could ever hope for and nothing will ever change that. 

I would like to share some memories that are special for me Tyler came into this world on September 28th 1990 and he did it with a tan, his doctors thought it was jaundice but we later found out that was just his skin tone and he loved to brag about how dark he would get and how his friends would accuse him of being Hispanic. In that hospital room he was first introduced to Courtney.  She was a precious little two year old that told him, "up baby" and when asked to say who she was said "I me.  Now up baby"  It was the beginning of a perfect brother sister relationship. 

Tyler was always a sweet little boy with a masculine appearance  My friends would see his baby and toddler pictures and comment about how he looked like a little man and he did.  He was the most precious little boy you ever saw. He loved to play and could spend hours being Mr Pillowhead outdoors at Nanas fighting the bad guys.  The pillow his head rests on today is the one that he wore back then - thank you Nana. 

When he was a toddler he did have some unique ways of pronouncing some words.  He couldnt combine an S with any other consonants so a snake was a nake and a steak was a take. Ls were an issue for him too. His legs always itched after wearing his soccer shin guards and he would always ask Mommy to wotion his wegs.   I can't tell you how many times we heard him complain about Courtney by saying Tortney is divin me tazy.  He always had to have a sord, especially the ones at the circus that lit up. He loved his mighty morphin power wangers  And with the soft way he pronounced his Rs there was always a little hilarity at the dinner table when he asked if he could have a fork pronounced, well you get it.  

He was a very vocal kid and happy to share his opinions.  One day at the Maverick game he and his mommy were sharing a bathroom stall.  Tyler felt compelled to make an observation by saying "mommy yah bottom is enormous". Cheryl said Tyler it is not. His response "yes it is just wook at it, go on wook it, it's enormous".  Imagine the surprise on the faces of the other women when my wife who weighed 100 lbs dripping wet walked out of the stall.  

Tyler had an uncanny gift of being able to take anything you said or did that amused him and tweaking it a little and then re enacting it to poke a little fun at you, often with hilarious results, if you were a friend of his you know exactly what I mean.  And he had an unbelievable way of remembering anything you said or lines from a movie and the ability to recall a perfect line or the perfect movie quote to make us smile and laugh out loud.   

Tyler did leave a note for us, and it was a beautiful note that had some awesome things in it about his friends and family. One thing he said was that he and I are just alike and while we do have some similarities there were definitely some differences.  So let me start with the things that are alike and then I will finish with a few ways we were different" 

Ways we are alike:

-We love to have fun and we love to make people laugh, we don't like to pose for pictures and will always sneak a goofy face in which you noticed if you watched the slide show at the visitation yesterday.

-We both love music, Tyler more than me.  It seems like I got an email about once every two days with a copy of the bill for music he had bought on ITunes. He used to wear me out with all the music he bought  And he loved all kinds of music - from Bob Marley to Blink 182 to CCR, to Sublime, to Pepper, to Lynyrd Skynyrd, he loved so much.  Some of his favorite memories were concerts and the times he and his friends were there

-We both love sports, if you were in Tylers house watching tv you know that most likely it was on espn.  The espn sports center loop was the Muzak in Tylers apartment. He and I loved to talk about football and the last real conversation I had with him was about how this year is going to be the YEAR for the Aggies he couldn't wait to tail gate with us on campus this year for the first time.  We checked out the tailgate spot last week and he and Cade had already decided that they would be riding their bikes there and playing football with all their buddies on the rugby field next door.

-We loved cars,and we love our trucks - Tyler was never happier or more surprised than on his 18th birthday when we surprised him with that big Dodge truck

-We both loved being outdoor, his best days were outside hunting, being in the pool, doing anything at the lake, you name it, he was up for it.  He was deadly with a rifle and many a pig and a few deer regret the day they walked in front of him.  His accuracy with the scatter gun as he and I liked to call it was awesome.  Dove and quail from Lubbock to Kaufman feared his name.   There was nothing better for him than to launch himself into our pool in multiple, somewhat acrobatic forms, that were best executed when Madre was floating in the water accompanied by much screaming of TYLER!   

Some of our best times together were in a deer blind,  we had always been told to move slow and be quiet but the two of us together seldom achieved that goal.  One cold January morning as it was getting close to time to leave the blind, we saw two small does. I looked at Tyler and made fun of the slow motion that we were taught to use to turn to see a buck, and then I stood up and waved my arms like crazy.  The does never moved and Tyler and I erupted in laughter.  The fun we had in those blinds while playing silly games beats any 12 pt buck that would hang on a wall.  The last time we hunted together was at uncle bills a place that he dearly loved. That day We saw a group of pigs and agreed to shoot at the same time.  We both shot at the same time and we both hit a pig but when we got there we discovered just one - with two bullet holes. We had forgotten to call the pig we were shooting    That was so typicAl of our fun times together - lots of hilarity much of it unintentional.  

Family vacations were huge for him.  When he was young and his parents were poor his vacation was likely to be a trip to his great grandmothers house in Georgia and a climb up Stone Mountain.  Later we were blessed to take fancier vacations but no matter the destination We all had a blast.  The last vacation we took was June of last year to Breckenridge.  We had planned to go to Florida but the oil spill caused a last minute change of plans so off to Colorado we went looking forward to cool weather.  Boy did we get it, raining and 45 degrees the first day there, six inches of snow that night, and Tyler, who lived for a warm day at the beach, was not happy.  So we decided to hike on a trail and when we go there it was unpassable.  Again, Tyler was disappointed but didn't let it get him down.  He hiked out in front of us down the road back to the car and before we knew it he had burst out in song, stripped down to is underwear in the 30 degree weather with sleet hitting his body and danced all the way back to the car.  You never knew exactly what you would get from Tyler, but you did know you would be entertained! 

He loved all holidays,especially Christmas.  And if there was a holiday it had to have a tradition.  Traditions were serious business and usually doing something once made it a tradition.  He loved to decorate for Christmas and he loved the nutcracker draft on the day after Thanksgiving and he always told Courtney that he got the best ones.  He loved going to Northpark, listening to his father complain about putting lights on the house, driving through Grand Prarie lights and listening to me complain the whole time, seeing the nutcrackern ballet and of course spending christmas eve and day with family.  Cheryl will never forget the day I insisted that she told him the truth about Santa.  He wasn't in junior high but let's just say he was getting close.  He was devastated. He went away to try to make sense of it all and his first question when he  returned was "I guess you're the easter bunny too".  That was and is what Tyler was all about. A gentle soul with a child's heart.

We both loved the Aggies. I came to know the greatness of all things Texas A&M late in life but Tyler converted early.  He loved the university and everything it stands for.  He was a great Aggie and I know at muster this year every Aggie in this room will, when his name is read, softly answer here.  

A few Ways we are different

-Tyler had a big chest and a flat stomach.  I have a flat chest and a big stomach.  He loved to work out and he was proud of his appearance.  I am proud of my appearance but dread any time spent with weights.   Tyler has hair and I obviously do not.  He loved his facial hair and his scruffy face and was so proud that his beard was finally filling in, and this is so Tyler - the last time he came home he texted me and sent me a picture of his Fu manchu and said what do you think mommy will think of this?  So much like Tyler. He was always dreaming up new beards to get to his Mother.  I think the mutton chops connected with a chin strap were next on the agenda. 

-Tyler thrived on excitement. I am happy with a quiet afternoon watching the golf tournament. He chose to live life on the edge. He loved the thrill of doing crazy things - parasailing, zip lines which were a little to sedate, wiping out on a wakeboard you name it he wanted to do it.  He even admitted to me last year that he and his friends had jumped off the roof of our house into a 5 ft swimming pool.  That made me mad enough but guess how mad I was when he said daddy, it was from the second floor!

-Sports, let's just say they were huge differences here.  Tyler played t ball, baseball, soccer, basketball, and football on organized teams.  He loved to compete at any sport and was not a good loser.  He refused to be on anyone's team in pool nukem who did not meet his standards - Courtney knows exactly what I mean.  Me on the other hand, well let's just say I was usually picked in the last round in PE for any team sport.  I lived vicariously through him in all the sports he played.  He was the sports warrior I always wanted to be but never could.   

-Tyler was a sweet gentle soul who thought first of everyone else and last about himself. Behind that big chest and that scruffy face was a person who cared more about others than he did himself. He was all about other people and making them happy and making them laugh.  Tyler's heart, unlike the Grinch's heart, was two sizes too big.  

-Tyler loved his friends and he loved being with them. I love my friends and I do love being with them but Tyler whole life was surrounded with his buddies male and female.  Tyler had  over 800 friends on Facebook and you can bet they were truly friends. If you've  read his wall you know what I mean.   In kindergarten Tyler would walk by the other little girls in his class as they were waiting to be picked up and they would all come out to him and say bye  Tyler with grins on their faces.  He was always at sleepovers or having them at his house.  Nick, Kent, and Scott were his constant companions, and while George Matthews and I were utter failures coaching them on the gridiron, those boys dominated the basketball court.  Once we moved to our new house he loved to have the boys over to our house to swim in the summer and occupy my man cave in the winter. I will be honest, it got old sometimes seeing multiple teenage boys standing at the fridge looking  like lions watching the lame antelope on the Discovery Channel.   But I would give anything to relive those days and have Zander, Miles, Michael, Grant, Terence, Dustin, Timmy, and yes you Judson back in my house.   

And then in college there was the formation of the wolf pack.  Cade, Blake, and Tyler were the three amigos.  Your rarely saw one with out least one of the other two.  Their bond was and will continue to be unbreakable.  If you saw them in action you know whatI mean.  THank you Blake and Cade for everything you meant to Tyler.  And please know how much you meant to him.   

 And then there was Katie, the biggest friend of all and the  love of his life.  Katie you truly made him happy and the last day I saw him he talked of you, and how well things were going for the two of you and how he really thought you and he would be together.  Thank you for being there for him and for us. 

Tylers favorite verse was Psalms 119:81. He loved it so much he had it tattooed across his heart which cause quite a bit of drama in The Johnson household.  His mother told him that he had defaced the temple and there was much said and done about that.  But now I think I understand and now we wish we would have just accepted him for who he was and how he chose to express himself.  That verse says "My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word" 

I feel that these words are so inadequate at describing Tyler and everything he was.  I have selfishly focused on myself and Tyler here and if I left anyone out here it is an unintentional slight - all of you meant so much to him - granny jane, daddy mack (who he called D Mack) nana, granddad, james, stacey, austin, kaylee, karen, blair, william, brittany, todd, amy, jake, zane, gigi, and roy boy.  He loved you all.  

I could stand here for days and not describe all that he is and all that he means to all of us.  It sounds so cliche but it's really true - he was the perfect son, grandson, cousin, friend, boyfriend, and on and on and on and on.   And again, i don't to be a giant cliche up here, but please take something away from Tyler's death and use it to make your lives better. Love your family and friends, make sure they know you are there for them every day no matter what and like Tyler did - seize the day.  

I would like to close with a note that is printed on the back of the program because it perfectly describes for me how I want to remember him.

 

What is Death?

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

that we still are.

 

Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

 

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.cr Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without affect,

without the trace of a shadow on it.

 

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

 

I am waiting for you,

for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just around the corner.

 

All is well.

~ Henry Scott Holland"

 

 

who, what, where, when and WHY?

Who, what, where, when and why?  The five W's.  Once answered, they fully describe any situation.  But that last question, the why, that's the one that gives me fits.  The one question about Tyler's death that makes my brain feel like a twisted and knotted ball of yarn that can't be untied. 

After Tyler died it was clear what he had done.  The timeline was easy to establish after talking to the friends who bailed him out of jail that night and by examining his phone. We knew where he was and we knew what he had done.  We kind of had an idea of why. 

We were fortunate that he left a note - we found out later that only about half of those who end their life do.  It was a beautiful note.  He spoke individually to all of those who meant the most to him.  He explained that no matter how hard he tried he felt that he always failed.  He just had no idea what a success as a caring, loving human he was.  He had no appreciation for the numerous lives he had touched (some without even knowing).  Or perhaps he did.  It's difficult to really know the thoughts he had.  I believe that Tyler loved his friends and family so much that he really thought his self perceived failures meant that we would be better off without him. He could not have been more wrong.  He closed his note by saying that he was crying as he wrote and he said :"I will be with you always".  I am crying as I write this because it still breaks my heart to imagine him penning those last words with tears in his eyes,  It's an image that will always haunt me. 

That night in the hospital I read the note and I wrestled with those initial why's,  And even with his note it made no sense.  Tyler loved life so much and I just couldn't comprehend why he would have ended his life.  But as the first hours and days passed and the initial shock eased, I could start to understand why he did what he did.  I certainly didn't agree with it, but I could sort of understand it. 

But that why question, is one that won't go away.  It operates in my brain on so many levels.  Why did I take Tyler's dog to see him that weekend.  Perhaps if I hadn't Tyler wouldn't have felt compelled to drive home that night, would have stayed at a friends, and wouldn't have been arrested that night.  Why was I so compelled to spend time with my official buddies that night so that I didn't spend that last night with Tyler.  If I had, I would have seen him the next morning.  Why didn't I go check on Tyler that day at lunch?  And so on, with so many questions about why things that night couldn't have been just a little different.  All it would have taken was for him to perhaps leave 5 minutes sooner or later to avoid being pulled over by that policeman.

Then once you wrestle with those immediate term why's you start to step back and ask the bigger why's.  Why didn't Tyler call me that night to get bailed out?  I was in town, I could have been there in 10 minutes.  Why didn't he feel loved enough by me to be able to come to me when he most needed help?  What kind of father am I, that my son calls college buddies instead of me?  And then doesn't call me that day when he needed me the most.

And those why's just don't stop.  Why did I push him to go to Texas A&M?  Why didn't I take his celiac and anxiety issues more seriously?  Why didn't I set a better example for him?  Why wasn't I more of a father to Tyler and less of a friend.  Why wasn't I a better Christian example for him?  Why did I push him into sports so hard?  Why didn't I stress academics more to Tyler.  Why didn't I love him just the way he was?  Why was I always trying to mold him and change him?  Why didn't I tell him that no matter what happened, he was always loved by me and nothing would ever change that?  Why didn't I appreciate him more and make sure he knew?  Why wasn't I a better father for him? 

And that's one of the real tragedies about the suicide of a loved one.  It sets you down a path of self doubt.  It makes you question everything you thought you knew, and I mean everything.  It makes me doubt things that, the day before Tyler died, I knew to be essential truths.  His suicide makes me question every decision I ever made and every action I ever took regarding Tyler.  And though there has almost been two years passed since his death, those doubts continue to dog me. 

I am not an addict, but I understand that most addicts never really lose the longing for whatever they are addicted to.  They learn to deal with those desires and take actions to avoid them.  I imagine my doubts will be much the same.  They won't ever go away.  Sometimes they will be worse, sometimes they will be better, but they always be there.

The dream begins

For the past 4 or 5 years I have always looked forward to the middle of July for one reason - Texas' State 7 on 7 football tournament.   The tournament showcases the best atheletes in high school football and I have been fortunate to be part of the event as an on field official.  I get to hang out with a great bunch of other officials, watch some great 7 on 7, and get paid to boot.  Not bad!

July, 2011 was no different.  I was looking forward to the tournament and to seeing Tyler in College Station while I was down there.  He had decided to stay the summer in his apartment and get a couple of classes knocked out at Blinn to get caught up on his hours.  I also needed to help him take care of a minor legal scrape he had gotten into earlier that year.

So I went down to College Station a couple of days before the tournament to go with Tyler to settle his court case.  Chrissy (Tyler's miniature schnauzer) went with me so he could spend some time with here.  Earlier that year, Tyler and several of his buddies had gotten caught as they contemplated climbing a water tower in town one night in February.  They all scattered when the police car rolled up and he, along with several others, was charged with evading arrest, a class A midemeanor -even though they all returned to the officer after initially scattering.  Serious stuff, and in my opinion, the charges did not fit the offense. 

We took care of the case that Tuesday morning.  He received 6 months deferred adjudication.  I naively assumed this worked like a traffic ticket - don't do anything else wrong and the offense comes off your record.  Wrong.  In this instance, deferred adjudication meant probation, with monthly visits to a probation officer, no trips out of the state without prior permission, peeing in a cup; in short all the usual stuff that criminals have to deal with including a monthly charge of $60 for the privilige of seeing the probation officer.  Again, the severity of the punishment didn't seem to fit the crime.  And in hindsight it feels more and more like the municipal machine in College Station being focused on revenue generation.

Tyler was clearly bummed out by the whole thing, but by the end of that Tuesday he seemed to be accepting it and willing to work through it.  We had dinner that night.  Watched the MLB All Star game like we always did every July.  Had a good night.  He left to meet a friend and then came back to the apartment a minute later, and poked his head in the door and said "Daddy, thanks for helping me take care of all this stuff today, love you".  That was Tyler - since he was able to talk, he always thanked us for the things we did for him.  He was a sweet, sweet child.

Got up the next morning, and started off the day with some women's World Cup soccer.  Sweden was playing, and who doesn't like to see Swedish women play soccer?  Had some lunch afterwards.  Went over to the lot where we would be tailgating with the 5th wheel RV that Fall and talked about how cool that was going to be.  Dropped him off at his apartment that afternoon and headed over to meet my football buddies at the dorm where we were staying.  A great visit with him, even with having to deal with the court stuff.

The tournament started the next morning.  We all headed over to the Pemberthy athletic complex to prep for the games that were to come.  I got a text from Cheryl asking if I had heard from Tyler that morning.  He always called Cheryl every morning during the week and she had not heard from him that day.  She wasn't super concerned, but I called him and got no response.  Texted him and got no response.  I wasn't really worried either, I just figured he was sleeping in.  I also wondered if he had lost his phone again like he had a month or so before. 

My games started and in between games I kept checking the phone to see if Tyler had responsed.  Nothing.   Courtney was now worried.  I called and sent another text with no response from him.  At 4:30 or so that afternoon I had a one hour break.  Just enough time to drive to Tyler's apartment and see what was up. 

So I headed over and I vividly remember having a distinct feeling of dread and unease in my gut as I walked to my truck.  It took about 5 minutes and I pulled up to his apartment.  No side of him or his truck.  I assumed he was at a friend's house.  But I opened the door and saw Chrissy in the hallway.  Then I heard moaning and looked to see Tyler laying on the floor.  He was unconsious and moaning loudly.  His hands were twisting and clenching in unnatural way.  I grabbed him and tried to wake him.  Shook him and screamed at him.  Nothing worked. 

I grabbed the phone and called 911.  I had to give them address, and they couldn't find it.  It seemed like it took forever for the ambulance to get there.  I looked around and saw a note, some spilled benadryl, and a few bottles of Mikes Hard Lemonade.  But my brain wasn't processing what my eyes were seeing.   The idea of suicide at that point just didn't seem possible.  While I waited for the ambulance to get there, Tyler had a huge seizure and stopped moaning.  He had stopped breathing.  Then the ambulance got there.  They shocked him a couple of times with no response, carted him up, and took him to the hospital. 

I hopped into the truck to follow the ambulance to the hospital and made the hardest phone call I ever have made.  Cheryl answered as she was driving home from work.   I asked her to pull over to the side of the road and she begin to cry.  Then I told her what had just happened, trying to convey things to her without losing it myself.  And she began to wail.  It was a sound like I have never heard and hope to never hear again - the pure agony of a mother knowing that something was dreadfully wrong with her only son.  I tried to calm her and she said she could make it home and would find a way to to get Courtney and herself down to College Station.

I made it to the hospital and checked in with the ER receptionist.  Nothing, no news.  About then, Tyler's two best friends from college walked in.  They knew something.  They told me that Tyler had been pulled over by a College Station policeman early that morning for making a wide right turn.  A WIDE RIGHT TURN?!?!?!   He passed the field sobriety test they said but was given a DWI because he was under age and had been drinking.  So the officer could have warned him, could have written a traffic ticket, but I am sure he saw the probation on Tyler's record and saw a great opportunity to do some more municipal revenue generation.  Excuse my bitterness, it's just too hard to let it go. 

So we all waited in the ER for news.  And I waited for news from Cheryl that they were on their way.  And time seemed to stand still.  And I begin to really hope that this was all a dream.  And I just knew that I would soon awaken.

Then the ER doctor called me back and directed me to her office and I knew that was a really bad sign.  She explained that Tyler was in really bad shape and they had got his heart going again but that he had been down for a while and things didn't look good.  We now know that Tyler had swallowed a complete bottle of benadryl at around 12:30 that afternoon.  By the time I found him, the medicine had so completely worked his way into his system that there was nothing that would save him.  But the ER doctor told me they were doing everything they could.  And I asked, can he make it?  And she replied, your family needs to get her as soon as they can.  And at that point I knew.  I knew that Tyler was going to leave us and there was not much that anyone could do about it.

So back to the waiting room I went and gave the bad news to Cade and Blake.  And I called Cheryl and Courtney and updated them and found out that Dr. D was bringing them down.  Then a little later I was able to go back and see Tyler and it was bad.  His right pupil was blown.  He was on a ventilator.  He had tubes coming and going all into his body and I stood there and just couldn't believe what I was seeing.  And I thought, man this is a long dream, I wish I could wake up.  And then they took him to ICU.

More time passed and I wasn't allowed into ICU.  The door was locked and they said that Tyler wasn't stable enough for me to come back.  Then the ER doctor gave me another update and in medical language that didn't make sense, explained that Tyler's vitals were changing in a way that indicated that he was getting worse.  And she asked me if I wanted to tag him as DNR.  And there I was telling a doctor to not recessitate Tyler.  And again I thought this dream has to end.

Shortly after the doctor's update I was allowed to see Tyler.  Again he didn't look good and I knew his time was short.  But I sat there on his bed and held his hand and I cried.  I cried like I had never cried before.  And I looked down at this beautiful child who had chosen to end his life and it made no sense.  And I looked at his beautiful feet with his hairy hobbit toes poking out from under the sheets and I began to cycle through the initial stages of grief.  I didn't know those stages then, like I know them now but it was grief, even though Tyler was still alive.  Disbelief.  Anger.  Regret.  Denial.  Rage.  Sadness.  It was all there and it hurt. 

Then Cheryl and Courtney and Dr D finally made it.  Cheryl climbed in bed with Tyler and rocked him like she had rocked him when he was a baby.  And we all stayed in that room and we all prayed for a miracle.  And we waited.  And we dealt with crap we should have had to deal with.  We dealt with a Brazos county justice of the peace who told me "when your son dies, his body will have to go to Austin for an autopsy".  I was incredulous.  I told him that he didn't know who was going to live or die in that hospital.  And if Tyler died we would deal with an autopsy then.  And we dealt with police officers hanging out in the ICU waiting for Tyler to die.  And we dealt with a homicide investigator who wanted to clear the case that night as a suicide. 

But we also received love and care from an awesome ICU staff of doctors and nurses who kept Tyler alive until his friends and family could tell him goodbye. 

And at about 1:30 on the morning of July 15th, Tyler's vitals began to get worse.  And they called Cheryl, Courtney, and me into the room.  And we watched him die.  And we told him we loved him.  And he passed away.  This beautiful child who made so many poeple happy and who brightened every room he was in was gone.  And I looked across the bed at Courtney and I saw such despair and sadness etched on that sweet face.  And I knew that our lives were forever changed.  And things would never be the same.  And I knew that this dream had to end.  But it would not. 

July 14th, 2011

My only son took his life and passed from this world to the next on July 15th, 2011.  Tyler Johnson loved life more than anyone I have ever known.  So finding him near death in his apartment in College Station on the afternoon of July 14th was incomprehensible then, and in many ways still is today.

My goals in writing this blog are in some ways quite selfish.  I hope that I can experience emotional catharsis by sharing these thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  But I also hope that someone who may now, or sometime in the future, be contemplating suicide might stumble across this blog and have a glimpse into the utter devastation that suicide causes to the lives of those left behind. And finally, and most importantly, I want to honor the legacy of a young man who lived more in 20 years than I can hope to live in 80 years.