The dream begins

For the past 4 or 5 years I have always looked forward to the middle of July for one reason - Texas' State 7 on 7 football tournament.   The tournament showcases the best atheletes in high school football and I have been fortunate to be part of the event as an on field official.  I get to hang out with a great bunch of other officials, watch some great 7 on 7, and get paid to boot.  Not bad!

July, 2011 was no different.  I was looking forward to the tournament and to seeing Tyler in College Station while I was down there.  He had decided to stay the summer in his apartment and get a couple of classes knocked out at Blinn to get caught up on his hours.  I also needed to help him take care of a minor legal scrape he had gotten into earlier that year.

So I went down to College Station a couple of days before the tournament to go with Tyler to settle his court case.  Chrissy (Tyler's miniature schnauzer) went with me so he could spend some time with here.  Earlier that year, Tyler and several of his buddies had gotten caught as they contemplated climbing a water tower in town one night in February.  They all scattered when the police car rolled up and he, along with several others, was charged with evading arrest, a class A midemeanor -even though they all returned to the officer after initially scattering.  Serious stuff, and in my opinion, the charges did not fit the offense. 

We took care of the case that Tuesday morning.  He received 6 months deferred adjudication.  I naively assumed this worked like a traffic ticket - don't do anything else wrong and the offense comes off your record.  Wrong.  In this instance, deferred adjudication meant probation, with monthly visits to a probation officer, no trips out of the state without prior permission, peeing in a cup; in short all the usual stuff that criminals have to deal with including a monthly charge of $60 for the privilige of seeing the probation officer.  Again, the severity of the punishment didn't seem to fit the crime.  And in hindsight it feels more and more like the municipal machine in College Station being focused on revenue generation.

Tyler was clearly bummed out by the whole thing, but by the end of that Tuesday he seemed to be accepting it and willing to work through it.  We had dinner that night.  Watched the MLB All Star game like we always did every July.  Had a good night.  He left to meet a friend and then came back to the apartment a minute later, and poked his head in the door and said "Daddy, thanks for helping me take care of all this stuff today, love you".  That was Tyler - since he was able to talk, he always thanked us for the things we did for him.  He was a sweet, sweet child.

Got up the next morning, and started off the day with some women's World Cup soccer.  Sweden was playing, and who doesn't like to see Swedish women play soccer?  Had some lunch afterwards.  Went over to the lot where we would be tailgating with the 5th wheel RV that Fall and talked about how cool that was going to be.  Dropped him off at his apartment that afternoon and headed over to meet my football buddies at the dorm where we were staying.  A great visit with him, even with having to deal with the court stuff.

The tournament started the next morning.  We all headed over to the Pemberthy athletic complex to prep for the games that were to come.  I got a text from Cheryl asking if I had heard from Tyler that morning.  He always called Cheryl every morning during the week and she had not heard from him that day.  She wasn't super concerned, but I called him and got no response.  Texted him and got no response.  I wasn't really worried either, I just figured he was sleeping in.  I also wondered if he had lost his phone again like he had a month or so before. 

My games started and in between games I kept checking the phone to see if Tyler had responsed.  Nothing.   Courtney was now worried.  I called and sent another text with no response from him.  At 4:30 or so that afternoon I had a one hour break.  Just enough time to drive to Tyler's apartment and see what was up. 

So I headed over and I vividly remember having a distinct feeling of dread and unease in my gut as I walked to my truck.  It took about 5 minutes and I pulled up to his apartment.  No side of him or his truck.  I assumed he was at a friend's house.  But I opened the door and saw Chrissy in the hallway.  Then I heard moaning and looked to see Tyler laying on the floor.  He was unconsious and moaning loudly.  His hands were twisting and clenching in unnatural way.  I grabbed him and tried to wake him.  Shook him and screamed at him.  Nothing worked. 

I grabbed the phone and called 911.  I had to give them address, and they couldn't find it.  It seemed like it took forever for the ambulance to get there.  I looked around and saw a note, some spilled benadryl, and a few bottles of Mikes Hard Lemonade.  But my brain wasn't processing what my eyes were seeing.   The idea of suicide at that point just didn't seem possible.  While I waited for the ambulance to get there, Tyler had a huge seizure and stopped moaning.  He had stopped breathing.  Then the ambulance got there.  They shocked him a couple of times with no response, carted him up, and took him to the hospital. 

I hopped into the truck to follow the ambulance to the hospital and made the hardest phone call I ever have made.  Cheryl answered as she was driving home from work.   I asked her to pull over to the side of the road and she begin to cry.  Then I told her what had just happened, trying to convey things to her without losing it myself.  And she began to wail.  It was a sound like I have never heard and hope to never hear again - the pure agony of a mother knowing that something was dreadfully wrong with her only son.  I tried to calm her and she said she could make it home and would find a way to to get Courtney and herself down to College Station.

I made it to the hospital and checked in with the ER receptionist.  Nothing, no news.  About then, Tyler's two best friends from college walked in.  They knew something.  They told me that Tyler had been pulled over by a College Station policeman early that morning for making a wide right turn.  A WIDE RIGHT TURN?!?!?!   He passed the field sobriety test they said but was given a DWI because he was under age and had been drinking.  So the officer could have warned him, could have written a traffic ticket, but I am sure he saw the probation on Tyler's record and saw a great opportunity to do some more municipal revenue generation.  Excuse my bitterness, it's just too hard to let it go. 

So we all waited in the ER for news.  And I waited for news from Cheryl that they were on their way.  And time seemed to stand still.  And I begin to really hope that this was all a dream.  And I just knew that I would soon awaken.

Then the ER doctor called me back and directed me to her office and I knew that was a really bad sign.  She explained that Tyler was in really bad shape and they had got his heart going again but that he had been down for a while and things didn't look good.  We now know that Tyler had swallowed a complete bottle of benadryl at around 12:30 that afternoon.  By the time I found him, the medicine had so completely worked his way into his system that there was nothing that would save him.  But the ER doctor told me they were doing everything they could.  And I asked, can he make it?  And she replied, your family needs to get her as soon as they can.  And at that point I knew.  I knew that Tyler was going to leave us and there was not much that anyone could do about it.

So back to the waiting room I went and gave the bad news to Cade and Blake.  And I called Cheryl and Courtney and updated them and found out that Dr. D was bringing them down.  Then a little later I was able to go back and see Tyler and it was bad.  His right pupil was blown.  He was on a ventilator.  He had tubes coming and going all into his body and I stood there and just couldn't believe what I was seeing.  And I thought, man this is a long dream, I wish I could wake up.  And then they took him to ICU.

More time passed and I wasn't allowed into ICU.  The door was locked and they said that Tyler wasn't stable enough for me to come back.  Then the ER doctor gave me another update and in medical language that didn't make sense, explained that Tyler's vitals were changing in a way that indicated that he was getting worse.  And she asked me if I wanted to tag him as DNR.  And there I was telling a doctor to not recessitate Tyler.  And again I thought this dream has to end.

Shortly after the doctor's update I was allowed to see Tyler.  Again he didn't look good and I knew his time was short.  But I sat there on his bed and held his hand and I cried.  I cried like I had never cried before.  And I looked down at this beautiful child who had chosen to end his life and it made no sense.  And I looked at his beautiful feet with his hairy hobbit toes poking out from under the sheets and I began to cycle through the initial stages of grief.  I didn't know those stages then, like I know them now but it was grief, even though Tyler was still alive.  Disbelief.  Anger.  Regret.  Denial.  Rage.  Sadness.  It was all there and it hurt. 

Then Cheryl and Courtney and Dr D finally made it.  Cheryl climbed in bed with Tyler and rocked him like she had rocked him when he was a baby.  And we all stayed in that room and we all prayed for a miracle.  And we waited.  And we dealt with crap we should have had to deal with.  We dealt with a Brazos county justice of the peace who told me "when your son dies, his body will have to go to Austin for an autopsy".  I was incredulous.  I told him that he didn't know who was going to live or die in that hospital.  And if Tyler died we would deal with an autopsy then.  And we dealt with police officers hanging out in the ICU waiting for Tyler to die.  And we dealt with a homicide investigator who wanted to clear the case that night as a suicide. 

But we also received love and care from an awesome ICU staff of doctors and nurses who kept Tyler alive until his friends and family could tell him goodbye. 

And at about 1:30 on the morning of July 15th, Tyler's vitals began to get worse.  And they called Cheryl, Courtney, and me into the room.  And we watched him die.  And we told him we loved him.  And he passed away.  This beautiful child who made so many poeple happy and who brightened every room he was in was gone.  And I looked across the bed at Courtney and I saw such despair and sadness etched on that sweet face.  And I knew that our lives were forever changed.  And things would never be the same.  And I knew that this dream had to end.  But it would not. 

July 14th, 2011

My only son took his life and passed from this world to the next on July 15th, 2011.  Tyler Johnson loved life more than anyone I have ever known.  So finding him near death in his apartment in College Station on the afternoon of July 14th was incomprehensible then, and in many ways still is today.

My goals in writing this blog are in some ways quite selfish.  I hope that I can experience emotional catharsis by sharing these thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  But I also hope that someone who may now, or sometime in the future, be contemplating suicide might stumble across this blog and have a glimpse into the utter devastation that suicide causes to the lives of those left behind. And finally, and most importantly, I want to honor the legacy of a young man who lived more in 20 years than I can hope to live in 80 years.